Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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