All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
