You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
