This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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