sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
