tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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