I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
