U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
