I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
