don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
