3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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