i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
