this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
