I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
