"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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