I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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