So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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