you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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