I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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