Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize