Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
