Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she peed on how many people?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
