your thong is hanging out like whoa
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Drunk is a universal language darling
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
