There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
