i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
