That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
