she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
