Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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