The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
