I think im going to throw up on grandma
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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