He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
