got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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