neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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