1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
