I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
