i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
