So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize