guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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