i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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