3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
