Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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