I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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