I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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