made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
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CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.