he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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