if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
