I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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