I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
