I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
