Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
