her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
