she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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