What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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