Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
