I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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