The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
