Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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