I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
