He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize