It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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