I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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