I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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