She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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