I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
