There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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