Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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