thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
